The Happiest Relationship


… involves two people who are living in their own original truth. People who are not living to please each other, complete each other, take away each other’s deepest pain and loneliness, or digest each other’s undigested feelings, wounds, traumas and disappointments. People who are not living inside their ideas and fantasies and mind-made images of each other. 

Yes, they clearly see each other’s flaws, failings, insecurities, fears and doubts... but they know that their work here is to love each other not as they’d hoped each other to be, but as they actually are. They know that unconscious hopes and fantasies are cancerous and destructive to relationship. What is repressed and hidden and secretive and shamed will destroy connection and erode trust. What can be brought into consciousness, met, digested, and shared, can lead to closeness and even great healing. 

They know that love is not static, not a destination or a fixed landing place, but a moment-by-moment adventure, like meditation - an alive field in which to play and dance and explore our deepest selves day by day.

They are living in their fierce authenticity, willing to face deep feelings of anger, grief, confusion, fear and insecurity. They are willing to be apart, if that’s where the raw truth takes them. Willing to face loss, and disappointment, and deep childhood feelings of abandonment. Willing to feel pain, and not blame each other, and not turn against each other, and not run, even if sometimes they feel the urge to run.

They are ready to face the end of the relationship, if that’s where love asks them to go. They know that love is fierce and willing to go to the ‘end’ and even beyond. They are ready to go wherever love leads them! Ready to allow each other to grow and change and discover new parts of psyche and soul, follow new pulls and passions and callings and connections. 

They allow each other to take space, and travel, and wander, and explore their own freedom and uniqueness and creativity, and change their minds a thousand times over and follow their hearts into the wild unknown. They are willing to have painful conversations, honest and awkward and nerve-wracking conversations, share deeply uncomfortable truths, expose dark and ‘shameful’ thoughts and feelings, without making each other responsible for these parts, without using one another as wound-dumping grounds, without hoping to be saved or mended by the other. 

And if they notice that they are hoping to be saved... well, they can own that too.  

They are willing to risk everything for true connection, for intimacy and real closeness. They are willing to risk the old safety, comfort, security and all those wonderful “plans” they made together, to risk it all, to disrupt all the fantastic futures for the thrill and aliveness of truth in the Now of Now. They want to meet each other here, in the erotic fire of life, and to be met in return. Today. Now. Not in some distant spiritual utopia. But here in the muck and mud of daily life. 

They allow themselves - and each other - to be wonderfully imperfect. And awkward. And weird and unique and flawed and incomplete and complete still. They know that perfection is found in imperfection, and that our ugly, messy parts are really so damn beautiful when bathed in love, and awareness, and warmth, and deep listening.

They trust that sometimes they are bored with each other, sometimes frustrated, sometimes disconnected and lonely, sometimes attracted and sometimes not, sometimes happy and sometimes unhappy, and that it’s all okay. 

True happiness is not the opposite of unhappiness, it is the vast field of love in which even our deepest unhappiness has a home. They trust that sometimes the dream of freedom arises, the longing for a different relationship and a different life and another field. And that’s okay too. 

They are friends, more than anything. 

Yes. Before they are anything else, they are good friends. 

And so they meet. Today. Here. In a safe field of Presence which is the deepest kind of friendship imaginable. They show up and they open their hearts as much as they can and they do the work of love today, and they don’t always know where they are going and they don’t have all the answers and sometimes they are damn scared. Sometimes they feel like little kids, shaky and uncertain, beginners in the ways of loving. And sometimes they feel like courageous warriors, forging ahead without fear, nothing on the path that could ever stop them.  

But they never compare themselves with other couples because to do that would be to dishonor the unique, unprecedented, holy expressions of life that they are. 

They know that they are growing together, changing, healing, getting worse and getting better together, providing some kind of medicine for each other, walking together for a short time, or for a lifetime, walking down this wonderfully lonely path of life with a good friend.

And they know that the journey is everything, and the destination is always closer than the next breath, and relationship is never an end-point but always an eternal beginning. 

They do not take each other for granted.  They accept that love always involves loss, that love is haunted by loss and grief and the possibility of endings, and they courageously allow into the relationship the contemplation of death and change and separation. They know that death somehow makes life more precious.  

They live on the edge of time, on the edge of the known world, and so each day they are new to each other.

Yes, each day they are new. 

And in this newness, they find their happiness.

~ Jeff Foster


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